I have been on pause for the past four days...some progress has been made...but mostly it has gone from pause to foggy or in a daze. Thursday of last week was a regular day...a long day at work...a good dinner with my two best friends...and Jersey Shore was about to premier. At about 11:30pm...that regular day was turned upside down...inside out...and kicked to the moon. A frantic phone call... speeding away...lights....sirens...paramedics...firefighters....crying....in all what seemed to be hours...it was all in 15 minutes.
In 15 minutes a woman lost her true love...in 15 minutes a son lost a father figure...in 15 minutes a person who was was always there....always...was there no more. In 15 minutes...15 minutes...Rogelio Rodriguez was gone. Tears, hugs, phone calls, and deep sighs took up the rest of that night and early morning. By the time I was able to go home and lay my head on my pillow the sun was beginning to creep up.
Waking up the next morning with such a weight on my chest I kept thinking about those 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes that have already changed so much, that have already turned this day upside down and inside out...those 15 minutes that will forever be etched into my mind. Like flashes, scenes from the night before take over my mind. I literally have to squeeze my eyes shut in order to dismiss them. The flashes cease but the tears take their place. Sadness can truly weigh a ton.
As the day goes I look at those around me...so heavy...so lost. The day is like sitting on a merry go round, we laugh and smile one minute and then have those silent moments where the tears fall quietly down our cheeks.
They always say that at a time of a person's death, that is the time that you should celebrate their life. And I do find this to be true...I guess you just wish the person was there to celebrate with you...and that is what makes it so hard...the grief comes when you think about all those times that you did not celebrate...the time you just gave a quick hug instead of a real hug...the time you just waved as you walked into the door...the time you didn't take to sit down and have a conversation...and then you always think about the last time...the last time you saw them...what you said...what you didn't say...mostly what you wished you would have said and done....all this leads to those tears...to the sadness...the daze...
So this is where I am...the days have been getting better...but that daze...that grief...that sadness...it is still lingering. Watching people you love struck with grief and have sadness in their eyes is so hard...so sad...the trauma of watching a person slip away before your eyes does not leave your mind...knowing that a person is gone forever is just...I don't know...
What Today Sounds Like:
"Shine on You Crazy Diamond" Parts VI-XI - Pink Floyd
"These Arms of Mine" - Otis Redding
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Bulletproof...Wish I Was" - Radiohead
"Had to Cry Today" - Blind Faith
"What a Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dreaming of Seattle...
Not too long ago I would hop on a plane or take a twenty hour drive up the 5 to Seattle and man, do I miss those days. I would walk around Pike's Market and window shop...I would get a slice of pizza in Pioneer Square...and I would sit and visit with Jimi Hendrix (well his grave). I walked in the rain and sat in the sun off Lake Washington. There is really only one word to describe Seattle and that is MAGIC!
When I was nine years old I remember laying out on our old worn out gold shag carpet and in a spiral notebook that I had I wrote out my life, well my life the way I hoped it would turn out. At the age of eighteen I was on my way to Seattle, well according to this plan. So nine years later you would think that I would have been filling out applications to Seattle University or University of Washington...nope...that didn't exactly happen. As a matter of fact my first pilgrimage to Seattle did not take place until I was twenty years old. I remember I was there for about five days and every day I would take a bus into a different part of town. I went into the U District one day, even got off and went on a campus tour of University of Washington. I went into Bellevue the next day...even made my way to the outskirts of Everette. My first time in the city I felt like I belonged there, I had this sense of direction and this feeling of safety - that I wasn't a tourist, it was like I was home.
Every year I made my way up there, even if it were just for a night or five, Seattle seemed to have this hold on me, it is almost like it called out for me.
The last year that I was there that feeling became different. I was on my annual visit but I noticed that things didn't look as green, that the streets were a little more desolate, and the music scene was not the way I had left it from the year before. The bar I usually went to in Pioneer Square to see live bands was now a club. In fact most of the bars there had been converted into clubs. My pizza place was closed and the people on the streets just seemed so different. For the first time I really felt out of place. I thought about it for a while and I thought about what my initial pull was to the city, and I figured out it was Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Singles, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Well, Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley were dead, Soundgarden was broken up and Pearl Jam hadn't put out an album in some time. Could it be that the "magic" was now gone?
For some time I felt that way. I stopped making my yearly trip, the last time I was there was back in 2007. But lately, and I am sure that it has a lot to do with the non-stop rain we have experienced lately, I have felt that pull...that call from Seattle. It seems to be growing stronger on a daily basis and I am pretty sure that I will be back in my old town within the next six months. I just hope that some of the magic has returned, whether it needed to be reignited in the city itself or it needed to come from me, I just want to walk in Pioneer Square...have some pizza and just promise that "We will always go out dancing!"
What Today Sounds Like:
"Hey, Hey, Hey" - 4 Non Blondes
"Nearly Lost You" - Screaming Trees
"State Love and Trust" - Pearl Jam
"Oh Me" (Unplugged) - Nirvana
"Revenge" - Danger Mouse and Sparkle Horse
"Thorn in My Pride" - The Black Crowes
"Soul One" - Blind Melon
 |
| My Favorite Magic Store in Pioneer Square on the Right |
When I was nine years old I remember laying out on our old worn out gold shag carpet and in a spiral notebook that I had I wrote out my life, well my life the way I hoped it would turn out. At the age of eighteen I was on my way to Seattle, well according to this plan. So nine years later you would think that I would have been filling out applications to Seattle University or University of Washington...nope...that didn't exactly happen. As a matter of fact my first pilgrimage to Seattle did not take place until I was twenty years old. I remember I was there for about five days and every day I would take a bus into a different part of town. I went into the U District one day, even got off and went on a campus tour of University of Washington. I went into Bellevue the next day...even made my way to the outskirts of Everette. My first time in the city I felt like I belonged there, I had this sense of direction and this feeling of safety - that I wasn't a tourist, it was like I was home.
Every year I made my way up there, even if it were just for a night or five, Seattle seemed to have this hold on me, it is almost like it called out for me.
The last year that I was there that feeling became different. I was on my annual visit but I noticed that things didn't look as green, that the streets were a little more desolate, and the music scene was not the way I had left it from the year before. The bar I usually went to in Pioneer Square to see live bands was now a club. In fact most of the bars there had been converted into clubs. My pizza place was closed and the people on the streets just seemed so different. For the first time I really felt out of place. I thought about it for a while and I thought about what my initial pull was to the city, and I figured out it was Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Singles, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Well, Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley were dead, Soundgarden was broken up and Pearl Jam hadn't put out an album in some time. Could it be that the "magic" was now gone?
For some time I felt that way. I stopped making my yearly trip, the last time I was there was back in 2007. But lately, and I am sure that it has a lot to do with the non-stop rain we have experienced lately, I have felt that pull...that call from Seattle. It seems to be growing stronger on a daily basis and I am pretty sure that I will be back in my old town within the next six months. I just hope that some of the magic has returned, whether it needed to be reignited in the city itself or it needed to come from me, I just want to walk in Pioneer Square...have some pizza and just promise that "We will always go out dancing!"
 |
| Pioneer Square |
What Today Sounds Like:
"Hey, Hey, Hey" - 4 Non Blondes
"Nearly Lost You" - Screaming Trees
"State Love and Trust" - Pearl Jam
"Oh Me" (Unplugged) - Nirvana
"Revenge" - Danger Mouse and Sparkle Horse
"Thorn in My Pride" - The Black Crowes
"Soul One" - Blind Melon
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Ready to Go...
Since New Years Day fell on a Saturday it did not seem like that was the actual day to start all those life changing tasks you lay out in your resolution lists...it seems that the infamous Monday, which in this case will be the 3rd, is the day to get your goals aligned. I could not imagine starting to to work out, eat better and all the many things that have made their way onto my resolution list on a Saturday...no way! So like many others out there I am sure, I decided to go with good ole Monday...and I feel good about that.
So today was the last day, the last day before I jump-start a healthy lifestyle for myself. I seriously thought I was going to spend the day eating chili cheese fries and bacon wrapped hot dogs, drink a 2 liter of Coca Cola, make cupcakes and all that good stuff...instead I enjoyed a nice meal, a steak, with some good friends...I also ran some errands, got some vitamins and good food for the week and filled my gas tank so I wouldn't have to do it in the morning before work. I am home at 9pm which is the earliest I have been home this whole holiday season, and I am doing laundry. So what could have been an extremely gluttonous day, and completely justified for that matter, I was actually responsible. Eeek, I think this year so far is presenting itself to be a bit mature!
As I sit here and think about what tomorrow is going to be like...
Will the girls be attentive (no way), will I be attentive (after 9am), will I actually get up at 5:30 to get on the treadmill (I hope so) and will I remember to take my vitamins in the morning (I placed them in an obvious spot...right next to my keys)
I still find myself with the lingering optimism that seems to be affecting most of those around me and I am happy for both. There seems to be a mystique this new year. I find that people are happy, excited, hopeful, and well just plain nice! So I hope this continues...I hope that it will only get better...it only can right, it's not even Monday!
My new morning regimen!!
I think this is going to be the last of my looking at the new year and commentating on that...So get ready...
What Today Sounds Like:
"Wake Up" - Mad Season
"Time for Livin" - The Beastie Boys
"We're Going to Be Friends" - White Stripes
"Pray Enough" - The Wood Brothers
"Rise" - Eddie Vedder
"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley
"Cissy Strut" - The Meters
So today was the last day, the last day before I jump-start a healthy lifestyle for myself. I seriously thought I was going to spend the day eating chili cheese fries and bacon wrapped hot dogs, drink a 2 liter of Coca Cola, make cupcakes and all that good stuff...instead I enjoyed a nice meal, a steak, with some good friends...I also ran some errands, got some vitamins and good food for the week and filled my gas tank so I wouldn't have to do it in the morning before work. I am home at 9pm which is the earliest I have been home this whole holiday season, and I am doing laundry. So what could have been an extremely gluttonous day, and completely justified for that matter, I was actually responsible. Eeek, I think this year so far is presenting itself to be a bit mature!
As I sit here and think about what tomorrow is going to be like...
Will the girls be attentive (no way), will I be attentive (after 9am), will I actually get up at 5:30 to get on the treadmill (I hope so) and will I remember to take my vitamins in the morning (I placed them in an obvious spot...right next to my keys)
I still find myself with the lingering optimism that seems to be affecting most of those around me and I am happy for both. There seems to be a mystique this new year. I find that people are happy, excited, hopeful, and well just plain nice! So I hope this continues...I hope that it will only get better...it only can right, it's not even Monday!
My new morning regimen!!
I think this is going to be the last of my looking at the new year and commentating on that...So get ready...
What Today Sounds Like:
"Wake Up" - Mad Season
"Time for Livin" - The Beastie Boys
"We're Going to Be Friends" - White Stripes
"Pray Enough" - The Wood Brothers
"Rise" - Eddie Vedder
"Three Little Birds" - Bob Marley
"Cissy Strut" - The Meters
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1-1-11...Like starting from the beginning....
What a beautiful day to kick start what seems to be in everyone's eyes a brand new year with great opportunity ahead! Sometimes when I wake up on New Years day I really feel no sense of change, it is just another day or another day closer to returning to work and well I have to admit, waking up this morning I really felt a change. The air was crisp and clean (well as clean as you can get in LA) and the skies were blue and I really felt this sense of a new day...a new beginning.
So now I sit back and wonder if the rest of 2011 is going to feel this way...the real test will be Monday morning when I wake up at 6am to embark on my first day back to work in two weeks. Call me optimistic or just plain stupid but I have a feeling that this feeling of freshness...this invitation that a new year brings is going to linger for some time...and I hope that I will take the time to invest in this feeling...that I will work to create some positive change and that I take the time to see that 2011 really is a fresh year, "with no mistakes in it yet" therefore the possibilities right now are endless!
What Today Sounds Like:
"Across the Universe" - The Beatles
"In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" - The Allman Brothers Band
"Wiser Time" - The Black Crowes
"Freedom" - Jimi Hendrix
"It's My Life" - The Animals
"Young Americans" - David Bowie
"Nantes" - Beirut
So now I sit back and wonder if the rest of 2011 is going to feel this way...the real test will be Monday morning when I wake up at 6am to embark on my first day back to work in two weeks. Call me optimistic or just plain stupid but I have a feeling that this feeling of freshness...this invitation that a new year brings is going to linger for some time...and I hope that I will take the time to invest in this feeling...that I will work to create some positive change and that I take the time to see that 2011 really is a fresh year, "with no mistakes in it yet" therefore the possibilities right now are endless!
What Today Sounds Like:
"Across the Universe" - The Beatles
"In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" - The Allman Brothers Band
"Wiser Time" - The Black Crowes
"Freedom" - Jimi Hendrix
"It's My Life" - The Animals
"Young Americans" - David Bowie
"Nantes" - Beirut
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