I have been on pause for the past four days...some progress has been made...but mostly it has gone from pause to foggy or in a daze. Thursday of last week was a regular day...a long day at work...a good dinner with my two best friends...and Jersey Shore was about to premier. At about 11:30pm...that regular day was turned upside down...inside out...and kicked to the moon. A frantic phone call... speeding away...lights....sirens...paramedics...firefighters....crying....in all what seemed to be hours...it was all in 15 minutes.
In 15 minutes a woman lost her true love...in 15 minutes a son lost a father figure...in 15 minutes a person who was was always there....always...was there no more. In 15 minutes...15 minutes...Rogelio Rodriguez was gone. Tears, hugs, phone calls, and deep sighs took up the rest of that night and early morning. By the time I was able to go home and lay my head on my pillow the sun was beginning to creep up.
Waking up the next morning with such a weight on my chest I kept thinking about those 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes that have already changed so much, that have already turned this day upside down and inside out...those 15 minutes that will forever be etched into my mind. Like flashes, scenes from the night before take over my mind. I literally have to squeeze my eyes shut in order to dismiss them. The flashes cease but the tears take their place. Sadness can truly weigh a ton.
As the day goes I look at those around me...so heavy...so lost. The day is like sitting on a merry go round, we laugh and smile one minute and then have those silent moments where the tears fall quietly down our cheeks.
They always say that at a time of a person's death, that is the time that you should celebrate their life. And I do find this to be true...I guess you just wish the person was there to celebrate with you...and that is what makes it so hard...the grief comes when you think about all those times that you did not celebrate...the time you just gave a quick hug instead of a real hug...the time you just waved as you walked into the door...the time you didn't take to sit down and have a conversation...and then you always think about the last time...the last time you saw them...what you said...what you didn't say...mostly what you wished you would have said and done....all this leads to those tears...to the sadness...the daze...
So this is where I am...the days have been getting better...but that daze...that grief...that sadness...it is still lingering. Watching people you love struck with grief and have sadness in their eyes is so hard...so sad...the trauma of watching a person slip away before your eyes does not leave your mind...knowing that a person is gone forever is just...I don't know...
What Today Sounds Like:
"Shine on You Crazy Diamond" Parts VI-XI - Pink Floyd
"These Arms of Mine" - Otis Redding
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Bulletproof...Wish I Was" - Radiohead
"Had to Cry Today" - Blind Faith
"What a Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
You are amazing, kat...truly and wonderfully amazing, and I owe you a big hug, a real hug, the next time I see you, which hopefully will be soon. I love you and Nick so much and could not function without either of you, just wanted you to know that! :) It does get better. It has to, and you have each other to lean on, which only those who know you know what a gift that truly is. I am here if you need me, always...
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